If you’re coming here for twitter please be advised that established tumblr users are entitled to put you in the stocks and throw tomatoes at you at any time. And you have to smile and tell them that you’re grateful for it btw
yeah your boyfriend’s a stag now. yeah he accidentally saw diana bathing and she turned him into an animal so he can’t tell anyone what he’s seen. he’s still the same guy mentally though. oh look his dogs are running up to him. maybe they’ll recognize him that’ll make him feel better
so the thing about my family is that we have two ancestors on my dad’s side who were buried in france, where I currently live. one died in the spanish civil war, and one died prior doing…we don’t know what. but he somehow managed to get buried in père lachaise.
so anyhow, my gran sends me a message like “pls put flowers on ur uncle samuel’s grave because he’s gone over a century with none and it will make the ghost mad if he hasn’t already” because my family spends time in europe but never long enough to go all the way to père lachaise and give ya boy samuel jr. his death rites. so im like “ok gran I can do that” bc im a good grandson and you do not fuck with gran she doesn’t DESERVE THAT
i figure out which plot he’s on and ask someone specifically where you can find uncle samuel jr. and they tell me where and so I arrive at the junction and.
HE GONE.
WHERE DID YOU GO UNCLE SAMUEL.
*celine dion’s smash hit “my heart will go on” playing in the distance*
in other words either someone stole my entire great great uncle samuel or he has risen again, ready to party in paris for all of eternity.
You’re pretty chill about a corpse disappearing.
My guy, my dude, he’s been dead since 1851. He could be anywhere. He does what he wants.
What a way to learn you have a Vampire in the family.
ive been hearing rumors that somebody is bogarting the joint. if this is indeed the case i will develop a swift and harsh punishment to the guilty party. im honestly so mad i have to leave the room. *outside talking to a group of gnomes* im just- im so mad that they would do this to me. i thought they were cool. i hate those guys. Bellpepper the Cheeky: would it help if you threw us around like lawn darts
As a mouth-breathing trust fund son of a techfluencer, I believe in two things: my inherent genetic superiority and right to exist as the god-rulers of humanity, and my new startup: ShirtTube.
Here at ShirtTube, we will allow equally saucebrained nepo-manchildren to rent the most epic designer graphic tees possible with just the push of a button. I am truly excited to demonstrate just how pitifully out of touch I am with reality by actually, unironically, suggesting that you pay people come to your home and install pneumatic tubes that dispense rentable shirts.
I have spent the entirety of my life with the ability to simply buy my way out of every single negative consequence for my actions, and ShirtTube is no exception!
In fact, I will experience only a single consequence in the course of the charnel march that is my life; after yet another of my knuckle-dragging stillbirths of a startup fails, I will take a trip to the beautiful nation of Brazil. In an expensive, drug-induced stupor, I will wander naked into the unfathomable embrace of the Amazon rainforest, and my body will never be found.
